me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.