Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.