Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

reviewed some movies recently

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.