Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

Worlds greatest photobomb

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

weaknesses

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.