Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

live, laugh, laundry.

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”