me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
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*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
sometimes i miss this memes
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI