me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
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*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.