Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
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The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
True?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat