Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Who did it better?

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

And bowling should be called pinball

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.