ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
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All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Always the vampires
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Better luck next time champ
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym