ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
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“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
#merica
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.