Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox