Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*