Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
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Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Haha good job!!
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.