Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

No flush

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

a badder mouse

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.