Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*

eyes: *water*

*looks like I’m crying in meeting*

me: yeah this is better

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

when you are just born a rebel

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock