Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grow up never but we old may grow we

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

Wake me when AI does housework

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs