Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.