ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.