ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
You Might Also Like
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook