ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
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I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.