Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

Start the year as you intend to continue.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

I got bills

They’re multiplying

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18