Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.