me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
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sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Omg 🤣
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF