me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
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me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
welp
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.