me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
You Might Also Like
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Most Common Source of Electricity
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II