Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

Did…did a minotaur write this

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.