Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

Alexa: *deep breath*

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

These aliens are taking forever.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.