me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.