Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

same but as an audience member

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.