Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Hamburger Hinderer.

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

Incredible customer service.

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal