Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.