Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!