Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

won’t smith

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet