Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.