Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

My purse is deeper than some people.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.