Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

My neck my back my allergy attack

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.