Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
A friend sent me this.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
prepare for carbonated trouble