Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat