Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.