ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
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Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
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Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
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I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then