ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
