me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
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Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick