Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens