me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
As the Lord intended
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…