me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

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PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress


Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.


I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)


You have to admire husband’s focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out “I hate you” in morse code w my knife.


Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?


I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.


SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.


[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*


Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body


[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.