Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”