Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

Feels

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling