Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
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Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut