Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I identify as an antique shop.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.