Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
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No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
security at the airport getting more straightforward
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here