Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

😂😂😂

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

*has no idea what a book even is*

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

incredible text to wake up to

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat