Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
it’s not been my year
#MeanwhileInCanada
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.