Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

The best plant holders?

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.