Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.