Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
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If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
on da cob, we all corn
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Dietest Coke
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”