Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Cat is stressing him out.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!