Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind