me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Need this in my life lol