Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

2023 was just a warmup

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y