Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before