Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

#parenting

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.