Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

Grandmother clock.

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

? 💀

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?