Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.