me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.