Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa