Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.