Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.