ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
When I pack too much for a short trip.
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation