Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

Lmao

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Got him!

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?