Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

I’m so full I could puke a horse

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard