Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.