Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
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Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3