Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

just left a huge legacy in there

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.